On Losing an Old Friend

It never gets any less weird to hear that someone you knew from school has passed away.  I honestly don't even know where to start with this, but I feel like I needed to say something because we used to be so close, once upon a time.

The first person I remember hearing about was a boy that I went to high school with.  He was one of the kids that would always run technical things for the theater department and he dated someone I was friends with for a while during that time.  A freak construction accident sent shock waves through everyone who knew him, even those who didn't know him very well like myself, because it was unexpected, he was a good kid, he had a lot going for him, and I know people still think of him daily.

The most recent before today was a girl who sat behind me in creative writing class, and across from me in a couple art classes my senior year in high school.  She and I would talk fairly often, but I don't believe she ever considered me a friend.  We were absolutely friendly to each other and had some very interesting and entertaining conversations, but I think we both knew, by the kind of girls we are, that we couldn't see ourselves having sleepovers or braiding each others hair.  I admired her, she was talented and funny and just different.  I still don't know exactly what happened, but I don't feel it's my business to ask.  I still think about her often.  She was a strange girl, she prided herself in that, and rightfully so because that was what really made her unique and a lovely person.

Today, my mom texted me asking if I had been friends with a girl from my hometown when we were little.  Knowing my mother, much like my grandmother, she never asks such specific questions without bad news attached. I instantly went to the girl's Facebook page to see if she had posted anything.  Nothing, not since much earlier this year...

Then I tried Google and typed in her name and our state.  The first result, as I had started to suspect, was an obituary, posted 23 hours ago.  I am honestly still in disbelief looking at the black and white photo that I'm almost positive was her senior picture for the yearbook.

We, unfortunately, went our separate ways as kids when I moved in fourth grade to another town and another school, but I still remember going over her house for her birthday for a couple years after that, seeing her every so often if our parents could get us together for a day on the weekends.  We played soccer together all the time, she was often paired up with me for class assignments because we sat next to each other in almost every class we had in elementary school.

Even though we haven't spoken in the last few years after graduating high school, I still considered you a friend.  You were one of the first friends I ever had.  You and Danielle were my best friends since kindergarten, and in addition to Holly from the end of my street, you were my only friends for a long time.

I would think of you from time to time after high school as I do with most friends (past and present) and, as weird as it sounds, I would look at a couple recent posts on your Facebook to see what you were up to.  You were going back to college, your son is adorable and doing well, learning new things and watching movies with you, and I would click away thinking you were doing well and happy with what you were working towards and the family around you.  But I guess those articles that show the juxtaposition of what we show others on the internet are true, you can always crop out the not-so-pretty parts before you hit the 'Submit' button.  I had no idea what you had gotten into, how you really were, or the things that have happened in your life since we parted ways so long ago.

I know not everyone can stay friends forever, despite circumstances or how hard you try, so I can't say that maybe if we stayed friends this wouldn't have happened.  I, however, do feel just as bad that I didn't take time to actually try and stay friends longer, or try again once I moved back to good old East Hampton during our senior year.  I don't blame myself or you what happened, because I know sometimes things just don't go as planned, and sometimes you just can't fix things.

I can say, however, that this truly sucks.  It sucks that you're gone now. You didn't deserve this, and I could tell from what I saw that you loved your little guy very much, and he loves you, too, and I wish that could have been enough.  I'm sorry this happened, and my thoughts are with your family and those who really made the time for you, and especially your son.  I wish you two had gotten more time together.  You're gone too soon, and I know you're already sorely missed.

On Creative Ruts

Hello again, and as always, long time no see!

I'm not entirely sure if I've ever addressed the subject here or not, but I often find myself in creative ruts when I get more stressed than normal.  As someone who fancies herself at least the slightest bit creative, it always comes to a frustrating head when I realize one of these ruts coming on.

It's a vicious cycle, really.  I start to get stressed out a little bit, get a little overwhelmed at work one day, and when I go to plan out some projects or a YouTube video, I end up coming up blank and, trying to reassure myself that something will come along when I'm in the shower or cleaning or something, I shouldn't stress out too much over it. I'm just thinking too hard.

But then, overthinking as I do, it really starts gnawing in the pit of my stomach.  Maybe if I force a mundane task, like folding laundry, I can force the idea to come to me sooner rather than wait for it to come along whenever it damn well pleases.  So I clean. Or shower. Or sit and blankly stare at things and try to subconsciously will whatever inanimate object happens to be in my sight line to tell me something brilliant that I can work with.

Frustration bubbling at this point, I get more stressed, and there's nothing really left to clean or fold or stare at.  Cue depressive state, which then sends me into the mental-death-spiral of "Why do you bother? No one read this," and "Seriously, so many comments on these videos just point out the pudge you try to hide, who are you kidding?", etc. etc. etc. until I finally decide I can't focus on anything of the sort for a while and take a mini hiatus (read: rage-quit because "I can't do anything right," as temper tantrum Erica likes to say).

Fast forward a day, a week, what-have-you, and since I have stopped trying to force thoughts and creativity (read: the pity party has ended), it happens.  Something great, something interesting, some sort of inspiration whether it comes from someone else's work or just something that happened to catch my eye, and we're back to square one, we have ideas, and we're ready to conquer the world again.

I can't say this isn't exhausting or taxing or anything of the sort because it absolutely is. I also can't say that it isn't humbling, and I can definitely say that it's been worth it.  It's all work, and sometimes you just have to take the low days in stride to get to the wonderful, inspiring, mountain top days again.

I apologize for the super-wordy entry, but this week is a "creative process" week, in which I have been making lists and trying to sort my thoughts with some friendly obsessive compulsive tendencies that my doctor likes to call "borderline unhealthy".

If you've made it this far in the rantings of 5 AM, list-making brain vomit, than I would like to applaud you and offer to shake your hand, but please don't be offended if I sanitize after.  That's just who I am right now and I promise I'll be back to my own self shortly. Stay tuned!  In the meantime, check out this cool body painting thing my baby sister so graciously volunteered to be a part of with me!

Baby Spam/Picture Post

Hello there! A lot has happened since my last post, but as always being busy isn't an excuse.

I started a new job (same place but a higher position) as the Beauty Department Advisor. It's been a ton of hard work but things have really been coming along since we opened.

Regardless, this past week my sister, brother in law, and nephew have been visiting before they move to Japan, so I tried to spend as much time as humanly possible with them. I've collected over 200 pictures and video clips from this past week and I haven't done a haul like this in a long time. I just couldn't miss a moment.

Bedtime stories with Grandpa

Seeing them go this morning was so bitter-sweet. I know they're on to bigger and more exciting adventures together as their little family but it was so hard to watch the sister that's been there since the moment I was born walk away with a little boy I've loved from the start. I told Nick it was almost a tease because this week it felt like we had so much time, and then suddenly, the week was over and they're gone again.

Enough sad typing, though. Let me show you some of the great moments we had together while they were here (video post coming soon) and you can check out my sisters blog HERE for updates and amazing or adorable pictures of their adventures in Japan!

With Grandma and Grandpa

Hanging out with Uncle Brandon

Learning to throw rocks

Handsome Dudes

High Five!

Tyler and his buddy, Liam

Holding my hand before they boarded their plane...

Eczema: Living the Itchy Life

Let me tell you a little bit about my personal experiences with eczema.  I've looked at the Webster dictionary definition of eczema, as I'm sure anyone who has it has done.  The definition goes something like this:

"A noncontagious inflammation of the skin, characterized chiefly by redness, itching, and the outbreak of lesions that may discharge serous matter and become encrusted and scaly."

Gross, right? Very medical, pretty well explained. But then, I looked at the Urban Dictionary definition and it seemed a bit more accurate, not written by someone who has to be polite and politically correct about things. Their definition, very close to my own, goes like this:

"A  disease that i got which makes people go crazy about you and stay away from you because it "looks" contagious. If i touch someone they think they have it when it is really nothing. But what it actually is caused by is an inflammation of the epidermis. Also what makes it sucks is that its unbearably itchy."

I'm well aware not many people have this condition, and I'm very, very happy about that. Although it isn't life threatening in any way (besides the urge to scratch as hard as possible when it gets unbearably itchy and you literally can't scratch it) it's incredibly inconvenient. As a woman who likes to wear makeup (I do it for fun, I used to do it for work), it's incredibly difficult and nerve-wracking to even consider trying new products because if it irritates my skin at all, I may end up rocking swollen eyes or a painful-looking blotchy red and swollen face for up to the next month. Something along the lines of this: 

This, fortunately, is mild as of late. Over the summer, it ha gotten worse, to the point where I slept with bags of ice on my face to make the burning stop.  I've been dealing with (and trying to stay ahead of and/or hide) this condition since I was a baby.  

Yesterday, my face looked just about perfectly fine, a minor outbreak on my chin but nothing major. This is the difference between 8pm Friday night and 930am Saturday morning:

I've been using a kids and babies lotion specifically for eczema prone skin by a brand called Mustela. The lotion is called Stelatopia and it's worked well enough to keep me from breaking out too badly for a little over 6 months. 

Unfortunately, prednisolone is still my best friend at this moment and the only thing that really clears this much of an outbreak up. I have no idea what keeps causing this as I don't change my routine for skin are or makeup very often.

If you have eczema or know any products that have been tested to prevent/heal eczema flare ups (used by a person, not just labeled that way), I would love to hear about it! Good luck to anyone out there who is powering through the itchy life, or knows anyone who is.

Oklahoma, We Meet Again...

Now that the time has almost come to go back to snowy, freezing Connecticut, I decided I would share some of this crazy week with you!

Mom and I ate at this really great Mexican restaurant in the Baltimore Airport called Zona Cocina. If you ever pass through there, I definitely recommend it if you have a little time to kill.

Mom slept through most of the flight! I don't know how she does it, I can't sleep on planes even if I try.

I snuggled this munchkin as much as humanly possible. I love this kid, he's awesome.

Also, bath mohawks are still super fun. He's kind of got the Flock of Seafulls thing going for him.

This restaurant was amazing. Their food is delicious, and incredibly cheap. The walls are also lined with more kinds of soda than I ever could have imagined. It's so neat, and there's a huge soda bottle with a straw statue in the front of it that lights up at night.

Small section of a soda wall.

Someone enjoyed sharing Grandma's milkshake!

Little Bubby turned one!!! I can't believe it's been a whole year already. It's been so crazy this last year with so many ups and downs and I'm so incredibly proud of this little guy and my sister and brother in law for making such a great little human. To many more birthdays, Little Man. I love you so much.

And even though I miss this guy like crazy and we've Skyped all week, it's a little bitter sweet to leave. I didn't get a chance to see anyone I know from when I lived here last year, and I'm going to miss these guys until they visit in May, but I'm pretty ready to go back to work and get some much needed snuggle time in.

So, thanks, Oklahoma. Although I can pretty honestly say I'll never live here on any sort of permanent basis, it's been real. I don't know if I'll ever be back, but I've enjoyed what I could while I could and that's good enough for me.

Pay It Forward (Also, The Reason I Won't Make Resolutions Anymore)

Welcome to 2015, everybody!

This year, if you've read the title, I've decided not to make a resolution.  As I was driving home from work this afternoon, I was thinking about all of the resolutions I've made over the past years (lose weight, read more, etc.) and how I've always seemed to fail to keep up with them.  This year, I've decided not to set myself up to fail, because I'm almost positive that I will fall short of whatever huge plans I make.  It sounds pessimistic, however, it's been a habit of mine to overshoot and over-plan and then feel bad about not meeting those sometimes difficult goals.

So, instead of making resolutions, I have decided to take part in the Pay It Forward initiative and give to people in hopes of inspiring them to do the same for others.  My friend, Hillary, on Facebook posted this idea and the way to get involved on her page and I couldn't think of any reason not to join.

In addition to the Pay It Forward goal, I've decided to set small goals for myself to strive for this year.  I've signed up for a gym membership back in November, did really well for about three weeks, then stopped going.  I'm hoping to make it to the gym at least once a week this year, which is totally doable, and I'm hoping to stay motivated and maybe increase that number once it starts to warm up and I'm not so sleepy anymore.

Goal #2 is always to read more, because I read a few books last year, but nowhere near what I would like to be.  It's hard when life gets so busy, but I'm hoping I can fit it in somewhere.  I just need to make a list of a few books that I'm 100% interested in so I can stay motivated to finish a book in less than three months time.

Other than that, I have some bigger things I hope to get to this year, like going back to school, planning some bigger life changes, but those kind of things are being taken in stride and are kind of being played by ear at this point.  We'll see how it goes!

Do you have any goals or resolutions for this year?  Let me know if you're taking part in paying it forward this year, I'd love to see what ideas everyone has.

YouTube Discoveries

In this last year, I (along with my sister, Hannah) have made some major steps in the world of YouTube.  At least that's what I think about the work we've done.  In the past 10 months, we have made a total of 47 videos, gained 84 subscribers, and have racked up an impressive 12.461 views as of this morning at 9 AM.

It's crazy to think that this all started out as just one video I made to entertain myself when I was living with a roommate who worked constantly.  This, so far, has been a rewarding and really fun and exciting side project for me, and I always find myself wishing that I had more time or better equipment to work and experiment with.

In the coming year, I'm looking forward to discovering more methods and creative ideas to enhance the channel and the content we come up with, and I already have a huge list of ideas to accomplish this coming year.  Here are some videos that have done the best this year, and I really hope to get some feedback from everyone so we can further improve our videos!

The Walking Dead, Mid-Season Finale (Season 5)

Sugar Skull Face Painting

The video that started it all: Emcee Inspired Makeup from Cabaret

Hope you enjoy these as much as I've enjoyed making them!  Happy Holidays!