WARNING: It's 2 in the morning, I'm not spell checking or paying attention... Deal with it.
I can't seem to fall asleep. This seems to be pretty normal for me lately, but I can't stop thinking long enough to just breathe easy and relax. My mind has been racing on and off for the past couple of months and I'm not sure if it's because of a certain situation I'm in or if it's the time of year or anything, but I wish I could figure out what it is that's making me lose so much sleep all the time.
It's not like I've ever really had a 'normal' sleep schedule for more than a week or so at a time, but there have been times where I have stayed awake for something like three days in a row, then times I can't seem to be awake for more than just a few hours at a time, days I fall asleep at 9:30 PM, and days I finally pass out at 10 in the morning.
Anyways, I can't really get into the situation I'm currently in that I'm thinking about, which seems to have been going on for about the same amount of time as my random sleep patterns, because it's an extremely messy and complicated situation. However, I've been thinking for the past 20 minutes, or something like that, that this situation can only really get worse, which sucks... Either way, someone is going to be hurt. Well, either way, two people will be hurt, which kind of makes it worse. But one person is going to get hurt regardless of what happens, which sucks, a lot. You know, I never meant for things to be this way, I never meant to hurt anyone... To repeat what I said earlier, if everyone could just say what's on their mind, get out of situations they don't want to be in, things may be easier, things might not have to be so hard in the end.
Ugh, this just really sucks. I don't regret what has happened. Honestly, I don't. In a way, I'm really glad it happened. However, I don't like lying, I hate the lies we've gotten ourselves into. I don't want anyone to get hurt and it was never my intention, but I'm starting to feel like I'm the one who is going to get hurt in the end, and I don't want to think about that. I don't want to think about pushing back and kind of being shoved away. I don't want to get, in a way, cut back and somewhat forgotten. I don't want to just move back to what things used to be and I don't want things to get awkward or strained. I don't want to lose the only person who, I feel, really, truly seems to understand me as a person... Understand me in any way, really. anyway that really mattered in a big way to me.
I feel bad for putting it that way, because I have felt that people understand certain parts of me, but no one really knows who I am... I tell people things, but only certain people hear certain bits and pieces of my life and without the rest of the puzzle, you can't really see the big picture. I've only really told this one person just about every thing, and they've managed to find out things I didn't even think to tell them. They just get it. I guess that's all I can really ask for in a friend, but I don't exactly know what to call them anymore, and I don't really know what to think. It's all just very confusing and messy and my eyes are starting to hurt. My hands are actually starting to cramp, which is weird.
Ifg you haven't realized, I write in the same way I talk, which is basically just the same way I think. There isn't any real, set path to where I'm headed and it just kind of goes around and off into different directions. And I'm aware a lot of it doesn't make sense, it's kind of just a stream of conscience rant to get what I'm thinking out of my brain, and I'm just trying to keep up to get almost everything out.
-sigh- So anyways, now that I've been typing for a solid 15 minutes, I guess I'll try to sleep again. If I'm not back, I fell asleep...finally... Attempt number one: Goodnight.
No comments:
Post a Comment