So, I finally figured out how to post a blog from my phone, and I'm really hoping that this works out.
Either way, I feel like I'm always in a bad mood lately and I'm really not sure why I bother with anything lately. At work, I'm the new girl who can't seem to do anything the right way. At home, I'm never right, someone is always going against me and arguing with anything I say. Apparently, nothing I think matters, which I guess I can't say I disagree with, but I just wish I could say something, anything, without being challenged.
I hate when people tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about. Yesterday, it was the last day of the first week of my new job, ontop of the last day/performance for the homeschool class I taught this semester. I hadn't slept for 30 something hours prior to all of that. I mentioned that I was tired and someone told me that I had no idea what tired was, after going through what they had this past week, then I could be tired. I guess my idea of 'tired' isn't valid... Whatever. Asshole.
The other thing that's really been on my mind a lot lately is how much people think I seem to need help. Not mental help, but I can't seem to do anything by myself. I was asked to be the assistant director of a show for a theater company I've been with for something like 10 years now. I was excited to do it, I've assistant directed another show before, so I figured it wouldn't be a big deal to do it again. Well, I guess I'm not capable of doing it alone, because the director brought in a second 'co-assistant director' and had one of the older cast members running rehearsals lately. If you don't want me to do something, don't bother asking me to be a part of it. I was also asked to be a teacher for a counseling group, but was replaced by the same person who is co-assistant directing and being given my PR position. So, obviously, I can't be trusted to do anything or get anything done alone, which is really fucking aggrivating.
I', really just starting to wonder why I bother with anything. No one trusts me to do anything right or on time, no one wants me around, no one can have a conversation with me without arguing with me, all I do is complain about everything and I really don't know what the point is anymore. I really don't. Maybe there isn't one... I just want to say 'fuck it' to everything except work and just save up to leave. I know I bring that up a lot and I want to just run away from my problems, but I feel like that's the only other way to get around things. Just to start over. I hate it here.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
It's Late...Early... Whatever.
WARNING: It's 2 in the morning, I'm not spell checking or paying attention... Deal with it.
I can't seem to fall asleep. This seems to be pretty normal for me lately, but I can't stop thinking long enough to just breathe easy and relax. My mind has been racing on and off for the past couple of months and I'm not sure if it's because of a certain situation I'm in or if it's the time of year or anything, but I wish I could figure out what it is that's making me lose so much sleep all the time.
It's not like I've ever really had a 'normal' sleep schedule for more than a week or so at a time, but there have been times where I have stayed awake for something like three days in a row, then times I can't seem to be awake for more than just a few hours at a time, days I fall asleep at 9:30 PM, and days I finally pass out at 10 in the morning.
Anyways, I can't really get into the situation I'm currently in that I'm thinking about, which seems to have been going on for about the same amount of time as my random sleep patterns, because it's an extremely messy and complicated situation. However, I've been thinking for the past 20 minutes, or something like that, that this situation can only really get worse, which sucks... Either way, someone is going to be hurt. Well, either way, two people will be hurt, which kind of makes it worse. But one person is going to get hurt regardless of what happens, which sucks, a lot. You know, I never meant for things to be this way, I never meant to hurt anyone... To repeat what I said earlier, if everyone could just say what's on their mind, get out of situations they don't want to be in, things may be easier, things might not have to be so hard in the end.
Ugh, this just really sucks. I don't regret what has happened. Honestly, I don't. In a way, I'm really glad it happened. However, I don't like lying, I hate the lies we've gotten ourselves into. I don't want anyone to get hurt and it was never my intention, but I'm starting to feel like I'm the one who is going to get hurt in the end, and I don't want to think about that. I don't want to think about pushing back and kind of being shoved away. I don't want to get, in a way, cut back and somewhat forgotten. I don't want to just move back to what things used to be and I don't want things to get awkward or strained. I don't want to lose the only person who, I feel, really, truly seems to understand me as a person... Understand me in any way, really. anyway that really mattered in a big way to me.
I feel bad for putting it that way, because I have felt that people understand certain parts of me, but no one really knows who I am... I tell people things, but only certain people hear certain bits and pieces of my life and without the rest of the puzzle, you can't really see the big picture. I've only really told this one person just about every thing, and they've managed to find out things I didn't even think to tell them. They just get it. I guess that's all I can really ask for in a friend, but I don't exactly know what to call them anymore, and I don't really know what to think. It's all just very confusing and messy and my eyes are starting to hurt. My hands are actually starting to cramp, which is weird.
Ifg you haven't realized, I write in the same way I talk, which is basically just the same way I think. There isn't any real, set path to where I'm headed and it just kind of goes around and off into different directions. And I'm aware a lot of it doesn't make sense, it's kind of just a stream of conscience rant to get what I'm thinking out of my brain, and I'm just trying to keep up to get almost everything out.
-sigh- So anyways, now that I've been typing for a solid 15 minutes, I guess I'll try to sleep again. If I'm not back, I fell asleep...finally... Attempt number one: Goodnight.
I can't seem to fall asleep. This seems to be pretty normal for me lately, but I can't stop thinking long enough to just breathe easy and relax. My mind has been racing on and off for the past couple of months and I'm not sure if it's because of a certain situation I'm in or if it's the time of year or anything, but I wish I could figure out what it is that's making me lose so much sleep all the time.
It's not like I've ever really had a 'normal' sleep schedule for more than a week or so at a time, but there have been times where I have stayed awake for something like three days in a row, then times I can't seem to be awake for more than just a few hours at a time, days I fall asleep at 9:30 PM, and days I finally pass out at 10 in the morning.
Anyways, I can't really get into the situation I'm currently in that I'm thinking about, which seems to have been going on for about the same amount of time as my random sleep patterns, because it's an extremely messy and complicated situation. However, I've been thinking for the past 20 minutes, or something like that, that this situation can only really get worse, which sucks... Either way, someone is going to be hurt. Well, either way, two people will be hurt, which kind of makes it worse. But one person is going to get hurt regardless of what happens, which sucks, a lot. You know, I never meant for things to be this way, I never meant to hurt anyone... To repeat what I said earlier, if everyone could just say what's on their mind, get out of situations they don't want to be in, things may be easier, things might not have to be so hard in the end.
Ugh, this just really sucks. I don't regret what has happened. Honestly, I don't. In a way, I'm really glad it happened. However, I don't like lying, I hate the lies we've gotten ourselves into. I don't want anyone to get hurt and it was never my intention, but I'm starting to feel like I'm the one who is going to get hurt in the end, and I don't want to think about that. I don't want to think about pushing back and kind of being shoved away. I don't want to get, in a way, cut back and somewhat forgotten. I don't want to just move back to what things used to be and I don't want things to get awkward or strained. I don't want to lose the only person who, I feel, really, truly seems to understand me as a person... Understand me in any way, really. anyway that really mattered in a big way to me.
I feel bad for putting it that way, because I have felt that people understand certain parts of me, but no one really knows who I am... I tell people things, but only certain people hear certain bits and pieces of my life and without the rest of the puzzle, you can't really see the big picture. I've only really told this one person just about every thing, and they've managed to find out things I didn't even think to tell them. They just get it. I guess that's all I can really ask for in a friend, but I don't exactly know what to call them anymore, and I don't really know what to think. It's all just very confusing and messy and my eyes are starting to hurt. My hands are actually starting to cramp, which is weird.
Ifg you haven't realized, I write in the same way I talk, which is basically just the same way I think. There isn't any real, set path to where I'm headed and it just kind of goes around and off into different directions. And I'm aware a lot of it doesn't make sense, it's kind of just a stream of conscience rant to get what I'm thinking out of my brain, and I'm just trying to keep up to get almost everything out.
-sigh- So anyways, now that I've been typing for a solid 15 minutes, I guess I'll try to sleep again. If I'm not back, I fell asleep...finally... Attempt number one: Goodnight.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Feeling antsy...
I don't like to be in one spot for a long time, and I'm not sure why it happens, but at very least a handful of times during the year, I want to leave. Even if it's only for a day or a weekend, I like to get out of this stupid little town that I've been a part of for basically my whole life.
I have realized that I'm not one of those people who are born and raise in a town and then grow old in that town, just to, kater on, die in that town. I hate that idea, and I know some people love that kind of thing, but I am just not one of them. If you like that idea, all the more power to you, but I don't want to live that way.
I don't like that I've travelled so few times in my life. I've been to Boston a few times. I spent an evening in New York for a Mets game, so I'm not even sure if that really even counts. I went to Portland, Oregon and Richmond, Virginia over this past summer. I've been to 3 out of 5 of the New England states, excluding Maine and Vermont, and I had a brief night in Phoenix, Arizona because of a flight screw up. Finally, I've been to Washington, D.C., New Jersey, and Pennsylvania for school trips. Other than that, I haven't been anywhere else, and it kind of bothers me. I know a lot of people don't have the means to go anywhere, and I feel bad that I'm whining that I've only been to 10 places, which could be a lot for any one person, but my constant state of feeling antsy is screaming that 10 is nowhere near enough.
I wish I had the means to just backpack across the country. Or somehow even leave the country and backpack across an entirely different country/continent. I was hoping, even kind of planning, to find a way to write or sell pictures of places that I travelled to to get me to the next destination, but I'm not sure how that would work out. The thing is, I hate the feeling of being held down to one place, or one idea. I wish I could just break out of every obligation I have and just go. Just leave. I don't know where or how I would go, but it doesn't really matter at this point.
I just started a new job this week, which makes leaving pretty difficult, but maybe after a year or so, I'll have enough money saved to get to one new place and see where I can go from there. I'm starting to think that my 20th birthday has something to do with this sudden ants-in-the-pants feeling. I'm still young and I want to do something with my life before it's too late and I get tied down to a job for a while or to people or to anything really that could potentially hold me back. I want to see where I can go while I'm young, single, and have virtually zero ties to any one place. But I don't know if I can.
I have realized that I'm not one of those people who are born and raise in a town and then grow old in that town, just to, kater on, die in that town. I hate that idea, and I know some people love that kind of thing, but I am just not one of them. If you like that idea, all the more power to you, but I don't want to live that way.
I don't like that I've travelled so few times in my life. I've been to Boston a few times. I spent an evening in New York for a Mets game, so I'm not even sure if that really even counts. I went to Portland, Oregon and Richmond, Virginia over this past summer. I've been to 3 out of 5 of the New England states, excluding Maine and Vermont, and I had a brief night in Phoenix, Arizona because of a flight screw up. Finally, I've been to Washington, D.C., New Jersey, and Pennsylvania for school trips. Other than that, I haven't been anywhere else, and it kind of bothers me. I know a lot of people don't have the means to go anywhere, and I feel bad that I'm whining that I've only been to 10 places, which could be a lot for any one person, but my constant state of feeling antsy is screaming that 10 is nowhere near enough.
I wish I had the means to just backpack across the country. Or somehow even leave the country and backpack across an entirely different country/continent. I was hoping, even kind of planning, to find a way to write or sell pictures of places that I travelled to to get me to the next destination, but I'm not sure how that would work out. The thing is, I hate the feeling of being held down to one place, or one idea. I wish I could just break out of every obligation I have and just go. Just leave. I don't know where or how I would go, but it doesn't really matter at this point.
I just started a new job this week, which makes leaving pretty difficult, but maybe after a year or so, I'll have enough money saved to get to one new place and see where I can go from there. I'm starting to think that my 20th birthday has something to do with this sudden ants-in-the-pants feeling. I'm still young and I want to do something with my life before it's too late and I get tied down to a job for a while or to people or to anything really that could potentially hold me back. I want to see where I can go while I'm young, single, and have virtually zero ties to any one place. But I don't know if I can.
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