Ever have those days that start off really well?

I woke up two hours early by accident, went for a walk in the dark, and now I'm making iced green tea before I have to be at work in a little less than an hour.  Also, I got a lot of stuff on the internets done... Checked all of my emails (three different accounts, woohoo) facebook, twitter, tumblr, and a few other things.

Just hoping this energy lasts through the day x_x

Last Week

This is a fairly accurate depiction of how my week ended last week.

People at work are dumb, bitch that things aren't getting done while they just stand around and I do all of their work, I seem to be getting stuck with that particular person a lot lately, and then an angry hurricane to knock out our power and cellphone service for almost a week.

Not to mention I have a wisdom tooth that is trying to jump ship from the underworld of my gums and into the real world of my mouth.

Needless to say, I wasn't the happiest indoor camper...  But it's a new week, and so far it's not likely to make my eyes and mouth bleed...much.

(I wrote this out a few days ago, but I figured since I haven't posted anything in almost a month, I'd at least post this.  Better than nothing, right?)

It's a cozy, rainy kind of day, and although it's a cozy day, I'm uncomfortable.  I feel weird in my skin and where I am and my clothes feel weird and keep bunching up and I can't be bothered to clean my room today.  Maybe I can finally find something to do with all of this stuff, clean out the clutter, do something to make things feel more 'clear', more something than anything else.  Maybe.

Blah... x_x Do you ever feel like you're supposed to be happy for someone or about something at the same time that you're extremely sad and worried about something unrelated? Or that you're still holding out hope for something, but at the same time, you feel like the whole situation is completely hopeless? I just don't know what to think anymore.

This is one of the main reasons I always want to leave... I know that means I'm running away from my problems, but things are getting to be too much for me again and I don't want to be where I am anymore. Thanks for bearing with me through the personal bullshit rant I just went on...

Realizations..

So, it's currently 2:22 AM EST, and I'm starting to think about possible plans and ideas.  Today is my little brother's 16th birthday =)

First of all, I realized that I need to stop being so impulsive, because that's generally the reason I never have any money.  If I stop shopping online all the time, I could afford to move out.  If I can move out, my mom says I can;t go very far, but my older sister and I were talking about it on the way home from work.  My mom may not like it very much if I go farther away, but it's (unfortunately, on her part) not her decision.  I've been considering Oregon, Gresham/Portland area to be a little more specific.  But then again, I do love Boston.  But there's also reason for me to go down to the West Haven/New Haven area in Connecticut.  And a friend wants me to move down to Richmond, Va.

If I leave Connecticut, I feel like I'll be more lonely than I am now because I'll know even less people anywhere else.  Yet, I don;t think I want to stay around here because I hate it.  I mean, there are some things that I love about this place, but most of the time, I'm dying to leave.  I don't really know what to do, moving out on your own seems a lot harder than it was before when I just moved with my family wherever they went... Help?

Bitch Fest, Part 2

I should have known things wouldn't have ended any differently than they always do.  I should have known you would be the same as everyone else, no matter how different you seemed.  I should have know that I'd never be good enough for you, because you were better than everyone else, and I wasn't even enough for them.  It feels like a piece of my chest was ripped out and stomped on, then set on fire and left to burn.  Ohai, did I mention I'm a super-emo?  Whatever.

Either way, I guess the idea of this stupid blog post is that nothing matters anymore and to tell you that I'm glad no one follows my stupid thoughts on this website or any other because the thoughts and the the feelings and the bullshit just doesn't matter.  I'm sorry I wasted your time, I guess, even though you say you don't feel like it was wasted.  And I guess, in a way, I'm sorry I let you take up so much of mine, because apparently nothing was going to work out, no matter who I was or what I did.  I clearly wasn't good enough from the start.

I should have known that I was the one that was going to get hurt, get left behind.  I should have thought that I was going to get ditched, when everything you go to now, she'll be there, so I feel like I can't go...  I really want to tell you to go fuck yourself, but I made a promise to be here for you, and goddamnit, I keep promises.

I miss my dog, she was my only real friend...

Toothless Smile

"We were gonna make a whole world like this. Now, everyone used to come here, but you know... you know what it feels like when all your teeth are falling out really slowly and you don't realize and then you notice that, well, they're really far apart. 

And then one day... you don't have any teeth anymore."

Do you ever feel like, sometimes, you're losing everything all at once?  Even if it's just one thing?  Do you feel like you're pushing away the only good thing that's happened to you in a really long time over something you don't have control over, and really isn't any of your business?

Right now is one of those times for me.  It's like losing your teeth.  You start to lose a few baby teeth, but you don't really realize how many are missing until someone points out the toothless smile you have, and you start to get self conscious and embarrassed, but there isn't really anything you can do about it until you adult teeth grow in.  And even when they do grow in, they feel too big for your mouth and you still feel weird about it for a long time.

I don't know how long this will last, or if it will even really go away.  I seem to have pushed something away and I don't know if I can fix it, or if there's even a way to fix it now that I've said everything that I have to a certain someone.  I hate feeling like I messed everything up and that there's nothing I can do to fix it.  I promised someone that I would always be there for them, and in an instant I made myself come across as a liar because that person may or may not want to be with someone else.  I feel selfish and stupid for saying I'd feel awkward about them going back to what they had before, and I don't want to put pressure on them to do something they may regret in the long run, I don't want to hurt them.

More than anything else, I don't want to hurt them, and I am more than willing to stick to what I promised and be there through anything, everything, no matter what that means for me.  This person is the world to me and I just hate that I always screw up things that mean this much to me.  I guess that's all I ever really do.  I just feel like something is missing, there's a hole in my chest and I can't seem to fix that.  This is in my top three of my 'Worst Feelings in the World' list.  I guess that's all for now.  Goodnight.

I don't know why...

Do you ever have days where you feel like nobody gives a fuck?

Days where you feel like you give everything you have to other people, but they don't seem to give a shit about anything you think or say?

Do you ever feel like, sometimes, it's not even worth it to bother having friends or interests or people you want to be around or talk to because obviously they don't care about you the same way that you care about them?

Today is one of those days, and I hate when they show up in my life...  I hate feeling like I just use this blog to bitch about things, whether it be good or bad, but I guess I'm just tired of feeling like nothing matters.  And I'm sick of being sick all the time.  I guess that's it.

Maurice Sendak

Okay, so a little background to this...


I was looking around the internet because I've been thinking about a new tattoo idea, and this one particular ideas been in my head for a few days now..  It has to do with Maurice Sendak, who I'm sure most of you know...  I found this little quote from him through my searching, and you can't help but laugh...




"Once a little boy sent me a charming card with a little drawing on it. I loved it. I answer all my children’s letters — sometimes very hastily — but this one I lingered over. I sent him a card and I drew a picture of a Wild Thing on it. I wrote, “Dear Jim: I loved your card.” Then I got a letter back from his mother and she said, “Jim loved your card so much he ate it.” That to me was one of the highest compliments I’ve ever received. He didn’t care that it was an original Maurice Sendak drawing or anything. He saw it, he loved it, he ate it." 
— Maurice Sendak

For Once...

"I think it was the first time in my life I ever felt like 

I looked "good". 

Do you know what I mean? That nice feeling when you look in the mirror, and your hair's right for the first time in your life? I don't think we should base so much on weight, muscles, and a good hair day, but when it happens, 

it's nice. It really is."

Tonight is one of those rare nights where I actually felt like I looked good, and it made me think of this.  Even though my allergies are all sorts of out of whack right now, I feel like I really do look nice.  Despite the coughing and the sniffling, my hair worked well with me when I tried to pin it up out of my face, and after about 5 tries, I got my makeup right and even, which was no easy task.  Now that it's all done and I wore a new outfit I bought last night, something clicked into my head and made me feel like a million dollars.  That's always a really nice feeling.  

I hope everyone gets to experience that once in their life.  

Even though being able to look nice with all new, material things (or weight or height or whatever it is you have or don't have) shouldn't define your happiness, sometimes it doesn't hurt.  I don't mean to sound conceited or snotty, I really don't, it's just a good night for me when things I try to do go the right way.

Here it goes...

I feel like there's some sort of disconnect in my brain...  Like, there's some sort of lapse between reality and the things that happen only in my head or in movies.  I don't know why it happens, but things that happen in reality often feel like they never really happened.  There seems to always be this extremely blurred line between what's real and what isn't real and I lost the ability to keep those things separate.  It's weird, and it's really starting to take a toll on my thoughts and emotions and I don't know what to make of it anymore.  I just don't.  Everything is just a blur now, and I wish I could fix it...  I wish someone could just figure me out and tell me what's wrong with me and maybe have some sort of insight into how to fix it.  But, just knowing what's wrong would be enough, be more than I could ever really ask for.  I'm sorry, this is a serious-business blog post, it's short and slightly upsetting and angry, but I had to get this out...  That's all for tonight, I guess...

That Kind of Tired.

I'm listening to this song, knowing I have to be up for work in 5 hours, staring at the computer screen. I'm that kind of tired when you start to just stare into space, and whatever you happen to be looking at starts doing waves and ripples and splits into two or three of itself. My right eye keeps watering, which is pretty damn annoying. Forcing myself to sleep soon, but just one more game of Tetris first...

Whyyyy?

You know what really sucks?

Getting really really inspired at almost one in the morning when you have to be up in 6 hours for work =\

FAIL.

I got inspired to start looking into college again and to travel more.  I feel so bad, my grandmother bought me this really nice, sky blue luggage for Christmas because I had been travelling a bit this past summer.  Except then, I lost my job and couldn't afford to do anything and now I'm in debt up to my eyeballs and still can't put the luggage to use yet.

I started a new job two weeks ago and am expecting my tax return in the next couple of weeks...  Even so, that's just enough to get myself on the road and out of debt.  Then there's the saving process, which totally sucks.  But, maybe this summer I'll have enough saved to start thinking of another trip somewhere...  I hope so.  It's so easy to get sick of this town.

And on that note, college!  Haha, I know I have to go at some point... And that's going to put a huge dent in my wallet/bank account.  I just know if I don't get started by the time I'm around 22 or so, I just won't go.  The problem is, I don't know what kind of things I want to get degrees in.  I know what you're thinking..

"Start with the general education courses and decide later."

Yeah.  It's the ideal thing.  I'll probably end up doing that.  But I need to stay motivated to go through with things.  If I just start with math, English, and history classes without a goal to get me through them, I won't get through them.  I'll give up and think 'Eh, I can always go back later when I have a reason to do it'.

Meh...  On a final point, blogging is totally ruining my journal writing.  Just saying.

Nerds...

Nerds, the
Faggots, the
Spastic fat chicks who
Sit in the back with no one to do their lab with.
Nerds, the
Kid with acne and
Tons of Proactive
Packed inside his backpack;
I've got your back, kid.

I know it's bad, kid.
I've got your back, kid


I can't wait for Bo Burnham's new studio CD to come out... it's more serious than the other albums, and from what I've heard of it, it's going to be amazing.  There are videos from the tour on youtube, I definitely recommend checking it out.

Feed

I apoligize in advance for mispellings and grammatical errors, I'm sick, but I feel like I need to get this out of my head before I forget it.


So, I'm reading Feed by M. T. Anderson, as per semi-force by the best friend...  So far, it's at very least been entertaining, and has kept my interest for 188 out of 299 pages.  I just read a part of it that actually made me laugh out loud to myself, but then I thought about it... It was both funny and really sad at the same time.

Quick briefing if you have no idea what the book is about: a 'feed' is basically the internet being placed right inside your brain, advertising, instant messaging, facebook, everything you can find on the internet is put right into your mind. On that note, the main character, Titus, is m-chatting (IMing) his girlfriend, Violet.  He's in School(TM), and she's home alone (she's homeschooled), and they're talking about school when Titus says it's time for announcements, he has to go.  Violet's response being: "I make my own announcements, into the garbage can, so it echoes."

She goes on to say, "I tell myself to come to the office...Then I pace in circles, waiting for me to show up. I wait and I wait, you know.  I wait and I wait in the office, ...but me never comes."

I don't know... I don't really want to go into a lot of detail here, but if you think about it in a way simmilar to the way I do, it gets kind of sad, kind of lonely...  Either way, I guess I'll keep reading.  Hopefully, I'll finish the book tonight.

I don't know... {bitch-fest}

So, I finally figured out how to post a blog from my phone, and I'm really hoping that this works out.

Either way, I feel like I'm always in a bad mood lately and I'm really not sure why I bother with anything lately. At work, I'm the new girl who can't seem to do anything the right way. At home, I'm never right, someone is always going against me and arguing with anything I say. Apparently, nothing I think matters, which I guess I can't say I disagree with, but I just wish I could say something, anything, without being challenged.

I hate when people tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about. Yesterday, it was the last day of the first week of my new job, ontop of the last day/performance for the homeschool class I taught this semester. I hadn't slept for 30 something hours prior to all of that. I mentioned that I was tired and someone told me that I had no idea what tired was, after going through what they had this past week, then I could be tired. I guess my idea of 'tired' isn't valid... Whatever. Asshole.

The other thing that's really been on my mind a lot lately is how much people think I seem to need help.  Not mental help, but I can't seem to do anything by myself.  I was asked to be the assistant director of a show for a theater company I've been with for something like 10 years now.  I was excited to do it, I've assistant directed another show before, so I figured it wouldn't be a big deal to do it again.  Well, I guess I'm not capable of doing it alone, because the director brought in a second 'co-assistant director' and had one of the older cast members running rehearsals lately.  If you don't want me to do something, don't bother asking me to be a part of it.  I was also asked to be a teacher for a counseling group, but was replaced by the same person who is co-assistant directing and being given my PR position.  So, obviously, I can't be trusted to do anything or get anything done alone, which is really fucking aggrivating.

I', really just starting to wonder why I bother with anything.  No one trusts me to do anything right or on time, no one wants me around, no one can have a conversation with me without arguing with me, all I do is complain about everything and I really don't know what the point is anymore.  I really don't.  Maybe there isn't one...  I just want to say 'fuck it' to everything except work and just save up to leave.  I know I bring that up a lot and I want to just run away from my problems, but I feel like that's the only other way to get around things.  Just to start over.  I hate it here.

It's Late...Early... Whatever.

WARNING: It's 2 in the morning, I'm not spell checking or paying attention... Deal with it.


I can't seem to fall asleep.  This seems to be pretty normal for me lately, but I can't stop thinking long enough to just breathe easy and relax.  My mind has been racing on and off for the past couple of months and I'm not sure if it's because of a certain situation I'm in or if it's the time of year or anything, but I wish I could figure out what it is that's making me lose so much sleep all the time. 

It's not like I've ever really had a 'normal' sleep schedule for more than a week or so at a time, but there have been times where I have stayed awake for something like three days in a row, then times I can't seem to be awake for more than just a few hours at a time, days I fall asleep at 9:30 PM, and days I finally pass out at 10 in the morning.

Anyways, I can't really get into the situation I'm currently in that I'm thinking about, which seems to have been going on for about the same amount of time as my random sleep patterns, because it's an extremely messy and complicated situation.  However, I've been thinking for the past 20 minutes, or something like that, that this situation can only really get worse, which sucks...  Either way, someone is going to be hurt.  Well, either way, two people will be hurt, which kind of makes it worse.  But one person is going to get hurt regardless of what happens, which sucks, a lot.  You know, I never meant for things to be this way, I never meant to hurt anyone...  To repeat what I said earlier, if everyone could just say what's on their mind, get out of situations they don't want to be in, things may be easier, things might not have to be so hard in the end.

Ugh, this just really sucks.  I don't regret what has happened.  Honestly, I don't.  In a way, I'm really glad it happened.  However, I don't like lying, I hate the lies we've gotten ourselves into.  I don't want anyone to get hurt and it was never my intention, but I'm starting to feel like I'm the one who is going to get hurt in the end, and I don't want to think about that.  I don't want to think about pushing back and kind of being shoved away.  I don't want to get, in a way, cut back and somewhat forgotten.  I don't want to just move back to what things used to be and I don't want things to get awkward or strained.  I don't want to lose the only person who, I feel, really, truly seems to understand me as a person... Understand me in any way, really.  anyway that really mattered in a big way to me.

I feel bad for putting it that way, because I have felt that people understand certain parts of me, but no one really knows who I am...  I tell people things, but only certain people hear certain bits and pieces of my life and without the rest of the puzzle, you can't really see the big picture.  I've only really told this one person just about every thing, and they've managed to find out things I didn't even think to tell them.  They just get it.  I guess that's all I can really ask for in a friend, but I don't exactly know what to call them anymore, and I don't really know what to think.  It's all just very confusing and messy and my eyes are starting to hurt.  My hands are actually starting to cramp, which is weird.

Ifg you haven't realized, I write in the same way I talk, which is basically just the same way I think.  There isn't any real, set path to where I'm headed and it just kind of goes around and off into different directions.  And I'm aware a lot of it doesn't make sense, it's kind of just a stream of conscience rant to get what I'm thinking out of my brain, and I'm just trying to keep up to get almost everything out.

-sigh- So anyways, now that I've been typing for a solid 15 minutes, I guess I'll try to sleep again.  If I'm not back, I fell asleep...finally...  Attempt number one: Goodnight.

Feeling antsy...

I don't like to be in one spot for a long time, and I'm not sure why it happens, but at very least a handful of times during the year, I want to leave.  Even if it's only for a day or a weekend, I like to get out of this stupid little town that I've been a part of for basically my whole life.

I have realized that I'm not one of those people who are born and raise in a town and then grow old in that town, just to, kater on, die in that town.  I hate that idea, and I know some people love that kind of thing, but I am just not one of them.  If you like that idea, all the more power to you, but I don't want to live that way.

I don't like that I've travelled so few times in my life.  I've been to Boston a few times.  I spent an evening in New York for a Mets game, so I'm not even sure if that really even counts.  I went to Portland, Oregon and Richmond, Virginia over this past summer.  I've been to 3 out of 5 of the New England states, excluding Maine and Vermont, and I had a brief night in Phoenix, Arizona because of a flight screw up.  Finally, I've been to Washington, D.C., New Jersey, and Pennsylvania for school trips.  Other than that, I haven't been anywhere else, and it kind of bothers me.  I know a lot of people don't have the means to go anywhere, and I feel bad that I'm whining that I've only been to 10 places, which could be a lot for any one person, but my constant state of feeling antsy is screaming that 10 is nowhere near enough.

I wish I had the means to just backpack across the country.  Or somehow even leave the country and backpack across an entirely different country/continent.  I was hoping, even kind of planning, to find a way to write or sell pictures of places that I travelled to to get me to the next destination, but I'm not sure how that would work out.  The thing is, I hate the feeling of being held down to one place, or one idea.  I wish I could just break out of every obligation I have and just go.  Just leave.  I don't know where or how I would go, but it doesn't really matter at this point.

I just started a new job this week, which makes leaving pretty difficult, but maybe after a year or so, I'll have enough money saved to get to one new place and see where I can go from there.  I'm starting to think that my 20th birthday has something to do with this sudden ants-in-the-pants feeling.  I'm still young and I want to do something with my life before it's too late and I get tied down to a job for a while or to people or to anything really that could potentially hold me back.  I want to see where I can go while I'm young, single, and have virtually zero ties to any one place.  But I don't know if I can.