Realizations..

So, it's currently 2:22 AM EST, and I'm starting to think about possible plans and ideas.  Today is my little brother's 16th birthday =)

First of all, I realized that I need to stop being so impulsive, because that's generally the reason I never have any money.  If I stop shopping online all the time, I could afford to move out.  If I can move out, my mom says I can;t go very far, but my older sister and I were talking about it on the way home from work.  My mom may not like it very much if I go farther away, but it's (unfortunately, on her part) not her decision.  I've been considering Oregon, Gresham/Portland area to be a little more specific.  But then again, I do love Boston.  But there's also reason for me to go down to the West Haven/New Haven area in Connecticut.  And a friend wants me to move down to Richmond, Va.

If I leave Connecticut, I feel like I'll be more lonely than I am now because I'll know even less people anywhere else.  Yet, I don;t think I want to stay around here because I hate it.  I mean, there are some things that I love about this place, but most of the time, I'm dying to leave.  I don't really know what to do, moving out on your own seems a lot harder than it was before when I just moved with my family wherever they went... Help?

Bitch Fest, Part 2

I should have known things wouldn't have ended any differently than they always do.  I should have known you would be the same as everyone else, no matter how different you seemed.  I should have know that I'd never be good enough for you, because you were better than everyone else, and I wasn't even enough for them.  It feels like a piece of my chest was ripped out and stomped on, then set on fire and left to burn.  Ohai, did I mention I'm a super-emo?  Whatever.

Either way, I guess the idea of this stupid blog post is that nothing matters anymore and to tell you that I'm glad no one follows my stupid thoughts on this website or any other because the thoughts and the the feelings and the bullshit just doesn't matter.  I'm sorry I wasted your time, I guess, even though you say you don't feel like it was wasted.  And I guess, in a way, I'm sorry I let you take up so much of mine, because apparently nothing was going to work out, no matter who I was or what I did.  I clearly wasn't good enough from the start.

I should have known that I was the one that was going to get hurt, get left behind.  I should have thought that I was going to get ditched, when everything you go to now, she'll be there, so I feel like I can't go...  I really want to tell you to go fuck yourself, but I made a promise to be here for you, and goddamnit, I keep promises.

I miss my dog, she was my only real friend...

Toothless Smile

"We were gonna make a whole world like this. Now, everyone used to come here, but you know... you know what it feels like when all your teeth are falling out really slowly and you don't realize and then you notice that, well, they're really far apart. 

And then one day... you don't have any teeth anymore."

Do you ever feel like, sometimes, you're losing everything all at once?  Even if it's just one thing?  Do you feel like you're pushing away the only good thing that's happened to you in a really long time over something you don't have control over, and really isn't any of your business?

Right now is one of those times for me.  It's like losing your teeth.  You start to lose a few baby teeth, but you don't really realize how many are missing until someone points out the toothless smile you have, and you start to get self conscious and embarrassed, but there isn't really anything you can do about it until you adult teeth grow in.  And even when they do grow in, they feel too big for your mouth and you still feel weird about it for a long time.

I don't know how long this will last, or if it will even really go away.  I seem to have pushed something away and I don't know if I can fix it, or if there's even a way to fix it now that I've said everything that I have to a certain someone.  I hate feeling like I messed everything up and that there's nothing I can do to fix it.  I promised someone that I would always be there for them, and in an instant I made myself come across as a liar because that person may or may not want to be with someone else.  I feel selfish and stupid for saying I'd feel awkward about them going back to what they had before, and I don't want to put pressure on them to do something they may regret in the long run, I don't want to hurt them.

More than anything else, I don't want to hurt them, and I am more than willing to stick to what I promised and be there through anything, everything, no matter what that means for me.  This person is the world to me and I just hate that I always screw up things that mean this much to me.  I guess that's all I ever really do.  I just feel like something is missing, there's a hole in my chest and I can't seem to fix that.  This is in my top three of my 'Worst Feelings in the World' list.  I guess that's all for now.  Goodnight.

I don't know why...

Do you ever have days where you feel like nobody gives a fuck?

Days where you feel like you give everything you have to other people, but they don't seem to give a shit about anything you think or say?

Do you ever feel like, sometimes, it's not even worth it to bother having friends or interests or people you want to be around or talk to because obviously they don't care about you the same way that you care about them?

Today is one of those days, and I hate when they show up in my life...  I hate feeling like I just use this blog to bitch about things, whether it be good or bad, but I guess I'm just tired of feeling like nothing matters.  And I'm sick of being sick all the time.  I guess that's it.

Maurice Sendak

Okay, so a little background to this...


I was looking around the internet because I've been thinking about a new tattoo idea, and this one particular ideas been in my head for a few days now..  It has to do with Maurice Sendak, who I'm sure most of you know...  I found this little quote from him through my searching, and you can't help but laugh...




"Once a little boy sent me a charming card with a little drawing on it. I loved it. I answer all my children’s letters — sometimes very hastily — but this one I lingered over. I sent him a card and I drew a picture of a Wild Thing on it. I wrote, “Dear Jim: I loved your card.” Then I got a letter back from his mother and she said, “Jim loved your card so much he ate it.” That to me was one of the highest compliments I’ve ever received. He didn’t care that it was an original Maurice Sendak drawing or anything. He saw it, he loved it, he ate it." 
— Maurice Sendak